www.jeffthefish.com

The third and final installment in an ongoing series of recycled content.

07-24-04
I was either Spider-Man, or some other superhero who had lost his own costume and was using Spider-Man’s. But I’m pretty sure I was Spider-Man. Either way, I had breasts. I met up with my friend Batman who had lost all of his equipment save for one costume. We went into a house to put our costumes on under our clothes and prepare ourselves to go out in public. I put my Spider-Man costume on, and over that a pair of slacks and a white short-sleeve dress shirt and tie. Batman came over and put my mask on my head inside-out and said, “There, be Spider-Girl since you have breasts!” It kinda made me dizzy since the lenses were backwards, so I put it on the right way. Batman put his costume on under his street clothes (don’t ask me how!) and we went on our way. My wife said to me that I kinda looked stupid wearing a shirt and tie with my mask on, so I took it off. I looked down at my shirt and noticed that it was fairly thin and see-through! I asked Batman and Jennifer if it was noticeable, and Jennifer said, “not really, and even if someone does see it, it’ll just look like a bunch of fives.”

—

10-11-04
I was Spider-Man and I was helping Captain America and some other hero fight this huge villain called Juggernaut. He wasn’t the same Juggernaut that the X-Men fight, he was just a regular (bald) guy who got really big and strong and wore a clear plastic dome over his head. He was very powerful and couldn’t be hurt very easily. So after we heroes got punched around a good bit, I came up with an idea: we needed to chain him up! So I said, “I saw some chains in someone’s yard on my way here.” I swung over there on my webs, followed shortly after by Captain America and the other guy. As we were gathering the chains, the owners of the house came home and entered the back yard. It was an old black couple. The man said, “What’s going on…..Hey, Spider-Man!” He was very happy to see us. By this time, Juggernaut was gone, so I got out of costume and was walking down the street. I passed a guy I recognized as Juggernaut, but he was just regular man size. I decided to joke around with him and see if I could get any information out of him.
I said, “Hey, you’re that Juggernaut guy!”
And he said, “Yeah, I was just fighting some superheroes.”
“Oh really,” I said. “Which ones?”
“Umm….Captain America…”
“That guy’s an idiot! Was Spider-Man there?” I asked.
“Yeah, he was,” said Juggernaut.
“I can’t stand that guy! You know who I think he is? Bill Cosby. I think Spider-Man is Bill Cosby.”
Juggernaut looked thoughtful for a moment and said, “Yeah, he does remind me of Bill Cosby.”

—

11-04-04
Robin, as in Batman and Robin, was Spider-Man’s partner. Dr. Octopus was on the rampage, and Robin was the only one available to fight him. Robin also had mechanical octopus arms, though they were not as powerful as Doc Ock’s, and I think Robin may have only had two. Robin was at Aunt May’s house when Doc Ock came creeping around with the intention of murdering everyone inside. Robin came to the defense of the home. The fight was incredibly gruesome, though I can’t remember many of the details. At one point, Doc Ock picked up Robin and threw him so far away that he landed in a desert. Doc Ock leaped after him, and soon they were falling into a hole in the desert ground. Robin was clawing at the edge of the hole in an attempt to keep from falling to his death, and somehow Doc Ock was hanging on to Robin from below, trying to pull him down. Something dramatic happened, and Robin was able to crawl out of the hole. His mechanical arms were mostly severed from his body, and they were hanging by bloody bits of flesh. Entangled in this mess was Doc Ock’s severed head. Meanwhile, Doc Ock’s arms themselves were so angry that their owner had been killed that they ran back to Aunt May’s house in a fury, stormed into the house and started trashing the place. They picked up Aunt May and threw her down, possibly killing her. All the while, Spider-Man was sitting in the yard making flowers out of his webs, oblivious to the carnage. Something, though, made his spider sense go off. He almost ignored it, but decided he’d better check to see if something was wrong. He swung to the porch of the house, where he met the arms, which had somehow grown their own human head. The head was of a bearded, balding, middle aged man. It was yelling in unfettered rage at Spider-Man, and its voice sounded very computerized.

Part 2 in an ongoing series of recycled content.

04-27-03
I was Spider-Man and I was fighting the Rhino. For some reason I was afraid of him and I was running away. I ran through a cave, leaving massive barriers of webbing behind me to slow Rhino down. Then the cave opened up into an open space. I blocked the exit with huge boulders of webbing. However, Rhino had a powerful ray that he blasted through the cave to weaken the webbing. Then he came charging through, easily busting through my barriers.

—

09-03-03
A large group of my friends decided to have some kind of crazy car race derby on a circular stretch of elevated interstate. It was INCREDIBLY violent. Cars were crashing into each other, people were getting hurt. I didn’t like the whole idea at all, and neither did Jennifer, so we tried to stay out of the way, off to the side, not moving. But our cars would still get hit as the other cars sped around the track. We even tried hanging on some ropes that were attatched to the outer rim of the track, but that wasn’t very safe either. Eventually, someone died. This intensely angered Skot and Kamal, who decided that the reason the guy died was Lebanese-hating beurocrats. So I went along with them, not knowing where they were going, until they entered someone’s apartment and started assembling a bomb in the person’s closet. Once I realized what they were doing, I panicked and tried to convince them that it was a ridiculous reaction, but they would hear none of it. I told them that they would be killing someone they didn’t even know, and they said he deserved it. So I tried to remove any evidence that I had ever been there, and I left. The next day at high school, I was contemplating telling the police about the bomb, but was wrestling with the fact that I’d be turning in my friends. I was waiting for the bomb to go off inside one of the classrooms where they had planted it, and it finally did. I knew that since I was fifteen-year-old Peter Parker, I should go as Spider-Man to start rescuing people, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

—

11-05-03
I was Ultimate Spider-Man. There was a guy that just moved into my neighborhood who really didn’t like me because I was spying on him. So one day I was on the Brooklyn Bridge as Spider-Man, and the whole bridge was filled with people. They weren’t in cars, they were just walking around. I was swinging around above them, trying to figure out what was going on. I landed in front of that guy that didn’t like me. Aunt May, Mary Jane, and some other people I knew were standing around the guy. I shot a web from each hand to the ground at my feet, to secure my position, and I said to the guy, “Alright, I’m ready for you. You can’t do anything to me, unless you plan on destroying this whole bridge.” He smiled slyly at me, and the whole bridge disappeared. We were all falling. I shot webs to catch Aunt May, Mary Jane, and the other people I knew. We were somehow falling down next to a tall skyscraper. I shot a web up to the skyscraper to catch us, but I was already holding so many webs that were attatched to the other people, that I had to put this new web in my mouth because my hands were full.

I used to catalogue all my dreams and post them on here, but lately my dreams aren’t coherent enough to write down. But they were on the old version of the site anyway, so no one read them anymore.

So in an effort to be green by recycling content, I would like to present to you the first in an ongoing series dreams that involve Spider-Man. I call this segment, Spider-Man Dreams.

—

June 30, 2002
I was Spider-Man, and my enemy was Captain America. He thought I was evil, though I wasn’t. There was one scene outside, on the side of a building. I could see Captain America in the distance blowing something up. Then, the two of us were at a family dinner at my Aunt Pat’s house. We both knew each other’s secret identity. When I needed some salt, instead of asking him to pass it, I was considering slinging a web, just to get on his nerves, but decided against it.

December 6, 2002
An African-American woman came up to me on the street and asked for my opinion on black films this year. I said to her that I hadn’t really watched any of the Friday movies, and I didn’t know of any others. She told me that the other three were satires of Spider-Man.

March 14, 2003
President George W. Bush was scheduled to speak at a gymnasium and I was going to see him. The place was packed but somehow I got a front row seat. When he first walked in there was a big spectacle made for him. He started his speech by saying that since it was the only thing he had to wear, he was going to put on a Spider-Man costume. So he started talking and walking around with his headset microphone and his Spider-Man costume. For some reason I was completely in awe of everything he did. When he walked close to me, he saw how I was staring at him and came over to shake my hand. By the end of his speech he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans.