www.jeffthefish.com

Anyone should know that.

Anyone should know that.

I’ll tell you: you’re a hypocritical idiot!

I know, I should be telling you about Roswell and the amazing things I’ve seen in the desert, etc.  But I’m hungry.  And I love bad restaurant reviews.  Here’s a pretty horrible one for El Mariachi in Banning, CA, where I just may eat tonight. They gave it three stars:

Once upon a time, a really fat El Mariachi carne asada burrito embarked on an hour long journey. Loaded with meat and slathered in guacamole, little did the meat only burrito know it would soon face it’s [sic] horrific demise.

After it’s [sic] hour long journey, it was still pretty tasty [sic]

Well, ok…thanks?

In your life, is your mind. Your mind is like your heart, if you believe in your dreams, then you have a mind in your heart for your life.
-Charles Resnabl

The problem you guys been having is here to be solved by Charles. Just please go to Charles and hear what he has to say.  Subscribe to his feed.  Charles is a friend of mine, if Charles can be said to have friends.

Well, it happened.

When I was in college (lol), my favorite band ever was a Christian ska punk band called Five Iron Frenzy. Probably more than any other band, they have influenced my sense of humor and my attitude toward music . Their saxaphone player was named Jeff The Girl. I kind of named my fish after her, and also kind of after this other guy named Jeff that I knew. Also the guy who sold me the fish was named Jeff, but I didn’t know that until after the fact. But the actual jeffthefish alias came straight from her. And then it went straight to internet anonymity.

And tonight I got to meet her! Please ignore my enormous right breast.

She and some of her bandmates started a church called Scum of The Earth in their hometown of Denver. Later, some John dude started a branch in Seattle, and tonight she came to speak there! And that’s where I was when I met her. Do you understand?

And guess who’s going to be in Denver in a week or so (I will be in Denver in about a week or so). Anyone should know that.

Here is something cool that happened:

After she finished her talk and church was over, I cautiously approached her, and before I could say anything, she said, “Where do I know you from?” And I said, “jeffthefish.com!” And she was all, “Yeah!” It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to being “recognized”.

To sum things up, Jeff The Girl is a genuinely nice person, her husband is hilarious, her baby is tiny, and her new band is good.

Deal?

I would eat a tomato sandwich, but I would never sand a tomato eatwich (I’m gay).

One of my favorite things is to find horrible reviews on the Internet. Before I go to a new restaurant I check the reviews on Yelp. I pass up the four and five star reviews in the hopes of finding rare jewels such as, “Restaurant was too far from my house. One star.” or “Takoyaki (Japanese pancakes*) didn’t taste anything like pancakes. One star.”

I do the same thing for books. Before I buy a book about science, I check for reviews from creationists. Here too there is no shortage of gems for the dedicated digger, such as the guy who called The Plausibility of Life “one last attempt to save a dying theory” and observed that if the book “were a political persuasion it would vote ‘moderate’” in the ironically insane way that only creationists can.

But none of that prepared me for this.

Amazon sent me an email with book recommendations today, one of which was a book called Reading the Rocks: The Autobiography of Earth. As the title implies, the book is about how we can determine Earth’s history via geology, a topic ripe for creationist hilarity.

Welp, that didn’t happen. Here is the review that made me shudder:

Build Your Mansion On A Rock.
Basically, you might find rocks and waterfalls as the backbone of this ‘granite planet,’ from the Appalachians to the caverns out West, like that big one, Grand Canyon in Arizona. From shale, sandstone, the volcanic rock in Hawaii, “the rocky middle layer of the Earth’s mantle, constitutes more than eighty percent of the planet’s volume.”

The whole mountainside in Peru, Machu Picchu is made up of rock, while England has those huge slabs called Stonehege; Easter Island is only twelve miles long and has those giant carved statues (hundreds of them, some lying untouched weathered over centuries. There were volcanoes there, also, as America had Mt. St. Helens and Old Faithful. In Knoxville, we had pink marble quarries from which many government office buildings in Washington, D.C. and here in town were built. The black marble is in the hills west of here.

Niagra Falls has the monolith rocks for the water fall over, as many waterfalls in the Western states where Lewis and Clark mapped out that part of the continent. Below ground we have the caves, as they do in Spain, and caverns like Luray in Virginia and Mammoth Cave in Kentucky. Lookout Mountain is made up of many rocks of all sizes, a maze only a skinny person like myself can get through at times. Harper’s Ferry, West Virginia, is built on a hillside of rock. At Cumberland Gap, a controversial tunnel was built under a mountain through the rock; it is fun to traverse, more so than that one under the ocean as you ride into Norfolk, Virginia.

As a Norwegian geologist who teaches in Wisconsin, she uses the rocks as background for tracing the planets, her own political views on America, and sources of fun places to take her children. “Rocks may even cause us to rediscover thoughtful discourse about complex environmental issues and to instill in children an appetite for understanding deep origins and histories.” Touche.

What??? The book is not even mentioned, unless those quotes are from the book, an assumption I don’t feel safe making. This person has over 1500 reviews! It’s weird.  And the ending is ominous and creepy.

And this post is boring.

*That one’s funny because takoyaki are NOT the Japanese equivalent of pancakes. Not even close.

Dear Folks,

It is my pleasure to present you with the strangest thing I’ve ever seen:  Lil Markie!

Not much is known about Lil Markie.  Apparently, this grown man does the voice of a child for some Christian radio program.  For more Markie media, click here. Now you too can host your own Markie Party!

Get ready for a disappointing video. I believe the harbor seal in the foreground is named Barney. Maybe it’s Q. I keep forgetting who’s who, but either way, a chub-chub sealio is getting his cheekies pettled! Please keep in mind that a seal is basically a sausage with a puppy’s face.

BTW I work there.