www.jeffthefish.com

Well, now that that arbitrary (not to mention nondescript) bullshit is over, it’s time to revisit the past year with a top ten list. Just like everyone else. Except I can think for myself, so I’m going to make sure that this top ten list is only relevant to one, maybe two people on Earth. The rest of you just have to trust me on how fucking funny all this crap is, because gawd damn is it hilarious.

10. No jokes.
9. Someone’s getting dicked in the booty.
8. HEY LIZ WHAT ARE YOU DI-DOING LATER
7. With host, Michael Buble
6. Smarter than a lettuce
5. I eat a driffwood and no one unnastan me
4. Patience is key
3. What penguin?
2. Pancake party
1. BARELY. Click.

Admiral Akbar wrote this play for my amusement, because I am a big love for him. And now I share it with all of you!

All of Rick Warren’s dialogue is take from his Twitter.

Rick Warren and Admiral Akbar Have a Coffee

A play in One Act *** By Admiral Akbar

(in a coffee shop)
ADMIRAL AKBAR: Rick?! Rick Warren? Is that YOU?! I thought you hated coffee. What are you doing in a coffee shop?

RICK WARREN: RATIONALIZE= to tell yourself Rational Lies.Trying to convince ur mind it is RIGHT when you know in ur heart it is WRONG.

AA: Well, I guess so. But you don’t have to TRY to like coffee for me to like YOU. I’ll be your friend regardless. You know, till one of us dies or something.

RW: If you guess life ends at death, please consider that Eternity would be a long time to be wrong. I wouldn’t gamble.

AA: I don’t gamble either. Not anymore. Especially since Casinos freak me OUT. Amiright?! OH, did you hear about Dinosaur? He’s an atheist now.

RW: People become atheists because of hurt, then seek intellectual arguments to validate their desire to live without God.

AA: DON’T I KNOW IT. Srrly. Dinosaur can’t wait till God moves out of that apartment. What a shitty roommate! And so passive aggressive – he keeps telling Dinosaur two different things and expecting him to read his mind or something. I wouldn’t live with that kinda shit. I’lltellyourightnow.

RW: If God says 2 things that appear contradictory, both are true.The problem is U trying to fit God into ur theological box.

AA: Ok, two things: 1 – I can’t believe you are taking God’s side on this, and 2. HE DOES FIT. We crammed him in there when he wouldn’t shut up about something… what was it…

RW: Its illogical to believe life could just happen accidentally while insisting a life resurrected from death is impossible.

AA: YEAH! That was it! Anyway, he kept rambling even in that box. REALLY annoying. Srrsly, that guy is nothing to me.

RW: It takes a greater leap of faith to believe nothing created everything.

AA: hahahaha yeah! Good one.

FIN

1. Too critical
2. Drinks too much
3. Doesn’t eat enough
4. Sleeps more than I do
5. Is a good teacher
6. Not good at solitaire
7. Writes too many books
8. Grows his own vegetables
9. Not big on Southern values
10. Doesn’t exactly have the highest GWAM I’ve ever seen

1. Voice is not high-pitched
2. British
3. Wears suits
4. Lives far away
5. Is not good at music
6. Sometimes forgets things
7. Doesn’t always eat breakfast
8. Not a big fan of flying, though he doesn’t quite hate it
9. Owns more VHS than DVDs, and a few laserdiscs
10. Better kisser

You can type “NatGeo” instead of “National Geographic”, but you can’t say “NatGeo” instead of “National Geographic”.

The first time I visited Roswell, NM, I bought a large book about UFOs from the International UFO Museum gift shop. On the way back to New Orleans, my sister and I spent the night at her friend’s house in Houston. This friend was very fundamentalist, and so was I.

While at her house, I happened to take out the UFO book to read it. She told me that when she saw it, the Holy Spirit showed her that people in the future would try to explain away the Rapture as the work of extraterrestrials, and that therefore I maybe shouldn’t be reading that book, or at least that I should be very careful.

I knew better than this. Of course I would be careful.

For the past week, I’ve been trying to get certain scifi actors to respond to my stupid questions on Twitter. Finally, someone bit:

It’s not a big deal.

If you know you’re not going to want people to talk to you at work tomorrow, don’t shave your beard tonight. If you do, you are an idiot.

This don’t really ‘quire no context, but the context is, I messed up a joke so badly that it didn’t make any sense at all.

[12:13] me: haha
[12:13] me: i’m cum
[12:13] Geoff: WHWAT?!@
[12:13] me:
AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[12:13] me: i’m dum
[12:13] Geoff:
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHBWAHAHAHAHAHA
[12:13] Geoff: you made my day.

I don’t normally write about my daily activities. This is not, after all, a blog. But I just realized that what I did yesterday was AWESOME.

The night before I’d driven to Bellingham and back to see a show. I didn’t get to bed until 3am. The night before that, I went to a show in Seattle and didn’t get to bed until 3:14am. And I had to be at work by 7 the next day.

So yesterday I slept until 1:24pm. I only woke up because someone texted me. But then I was, like, well, I’m all conscious and shit, what the hell am I going to do now?

And then it hit me: STAY IN BED AND WATCH WESTERNS. And that is what I did. I got out of bed to go to the grocery store around 7pm and again at 10pm, but other than that, I WAS AWESOME FOR AN ENTIRE DAY.

Also I wish I lived in the desert. If I ever completely fail at music, I’m moving to the desert.