www.jeffthefish.com

Feel free to speculate. Speculation is healthy.

—

I was playing a show with Daedelus. The venue was attached to a shopping mall. It had an odd and distinctive name, but I don’t remember it. Everything that could have gone wrong with this show went wrong, at least three times each.

When I arrived at the venue, Daedelus told me that the club owner wanted us both to use the same equipment, so he hooked up his monome to my laptop. We were going to just start the show like that, even though I’d never used a monome, but I insisted on trying it out first. Nothing worked right. My samples didn’t end up where they were supposed to, and there were tons of sounds that I’d never heard before and couldn’t do anything with. It was a disaster. Reluctantly, the club owner decided I could use my own equipment.

While I was setting up my gear, my laptop slid off of the music stand, off the stage, and onto the floor. It was busted up, but still working. Some kind of liquid was seeping out the hinge, and the plastic was cracked and separating at the edges, exposing the guts. Luckily, this mall had an Apple Store. Unluckily, it was on the opposite side of the mall, and I was on in 15 minutes. I ran as fast as I could, and when I got there I realized that I’d forgotten to actually bring my laptop. I asked Mathias, who’d suddenly materialized, if he’d go back and get it for me while I talked to the lone Apple Store employee (ASE). I described the damage to the ASE, who told me that my computer might suddenly die on me during my performance, or it might wait until the next day to die. I just had to hope for the best.

I arrived back at the venue, and Daedelus was playing, but a few minutes into his set, the club owner stopped him so that she could sing some karaoke jazz standards or something. Daedelus took this all in stride.

—

And that’s what happened. In my dream. Actually, it’s not even my dream, it’s a friend of mine’s dream.

As you all know, one of the things I’m into is bad reviews. Limpets are another thing I’m into. I woke up from a nap around 8:30pm one night last week with a craving for Filipino food. I needed to find a restaurant that stays open past 9. Sadly, I didn’t find any, but I did find some horrible reviews.

Here’s one for Manila Cafe:

I’ve only been once and it was really disappointing, but I hate giving a bad rating after only one meal. That said, I don’t know if I really care to go back.

Had a beef dish that was basically super salty beef and some dry rice. I’m inclined to give just one star based on how bad this dish was, but based on some other reviews I think I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and try giving it another chance sometime. [Source]

You hate giving a bad review after only one meal, but you will anyway. Is it some sort of contractual obligation? OH BUT WAIT YOU’RE GOING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER CHANCE! How many people are you?

Here’s one for Kusina Filipina that really chaps my ass:

As always I was very excited coming here. I’ve eaten here so many times but not since I’ve started writing reviews in Yelp. Finally was given a chance today. I had no reason to not expect a good review to come out, since from past experience this place has always over satisfied. Unfortunately today, its not going to happen. Sadly, I hate having to review this so poorly. Such a place that has brought me so much wonderful tastes deserves better. But I will not let my past experience dictate how I write this. Lets begin. [Source]

!!?

Restaurants have off days. This is a fact of life, and it can happen to any restaurant. If you’ve eaten here a million times and loved it, but THIS time it wasn’t good, and you admittedly know that the restaurant deserves better, HELLO DOUCHEBAG! You are under no obligation to write a review! Go again and make sure it was a one-off thing before diminishing the reputation of a place you claim to love!

And finally, one for Inay’s:

Ick. I am Filipina, have grown up on good Filipino food. Good Filipino food Inay’s ain’t. I walked in there at around 4:30pm, and saw the food swimming in grease. So, I asked the guy how long the food had been sitting there. He said, “Uh, I dunno, a couple of hours?” Uggh! Gross! He didn’t even know how long since it had been cooked? Yay for e.coli, I guess. I practically ran outta there. [Source]

So here’s a review from someone who didn’t even eat there. You don’t need me to point out how useless this is. Actually, there is one good thing in this review, if you’re a fan of quotemines:

Ick. I am Filipina…