www.jeffthefish.com

I don’t know why I decided to check out Changing Times, but now that I’ve done it I can’t undo it.  My life is hard.

In this issue (PDF) on page 35 there is an article by Dr. Don Colbert called “Water - How Much And What Kind”. In it, Dr. Colbert made several specific claims that I (wonder of wonders) found myself a bit skeptical of.  He says that “water straight from the tap may contain toxins, heavy metals, pesticides, bacteria and other microbes.” From what I know of municipal water, which is mostly from touring a processing plant two weeks ago, all of this is painstakingly removed tap water.  Chlorine kills bacteria and other organisms that live in water.  Ask any aquarium owner.  Maybe there are heavy metals and the ever-present “toxins”, but city governments are constantly testing for that, making sure they stay well below toxic levels. No reference was provided for this claim.

Colbert also gives a formula for determining how much water you should drink daily, but the formula seems incredibly oversimplified: Your Body Weight / 2 = Ounces of water your body needs in a day.  Could it really be that simple?  Maybe, but again, from what I’ve heard, it’s a lot more complicated than this, with factors such as gender, activity level, illness, temperature, humidity, and diet playing big roles. Again, no reference was provided for this claim.

Colbert then goes on to say that human urine should be basically pH neutral (no reference given) and lists 25 brands of bottled water and their respective pH value.  I don’t see where he explicitly claims that the pH of the water you drink determines the pH of your urine, but it’s definitely implied.  Again, it seems deceptively simple, but of course, no reference is given.

So I went to Dr. Colbert’s site and asked for references! Of course (and I think you’ll agree with me here), the moment I saw the homepage of this site I knew I’d never get those references, but I figured, “What the hell.” Here is the email I sent to them:

I recently read Dr. Colbert’s article in Changing Times
(http://changingtimes.info/images/BTS%20%2708.pdf) about water, and I was
wondering if you could provide references for a couple of claims made in the
article.

Dr. Colbert says, “Water straight from the tap may contain toxins, heavy
metals, pesticides, bacteria and other microbes.” I would be interested in
seeing a reference for this claim.

I would also like to see a reference for the formula given to determine who
much water a person should drink every day (”Your Body Weight ÷ 2″).

Lastly, I would be interested in knowing where the information about the pH
levels for the listed brands of bottled water came from.

Thank you for your time.

About thirty minutes later, they sent me this response:

Hello,

You can have your tape water tested and see if there are any chemicals,
metals, pesticides and bacteria in the water.  Dr. Colbert is not against
people drinking tape water although they should have their water tested for
toxic substances.  Drinking enough water through out the day is very
important for your health.  People that weigh more need more fluid intake;
Dr. Colbert has received the reference (body wt/2=amount of water in ounces)
from the Anti-aging training and medical training.  You can actually test
the bottle of water for the Ph like you test it with your urine.  Dr.
Colbert over the years has tested several different kinds of water and
determined the most alkaline waters.

The Staff at
Divine Health Wellness Center

Yeah, way to avoid the question, homeboy. What the hell is “tape water”?

Determined to make these people nervous / ignore me, I replied with the following:

Hi,

Thank you for your response.  Please forgive me for being vague in my initial email.  When I ask for references, what I mean is, in what peer reviewed journal articles did this information appear?  If you could provide this information for the claims mentioned in my original email, it would be very helpful to me, and I would  be very grateful.

Did Dr. Colbert test all the brands of water in the article for which pH values are given?  How many times did he test each brand, over what period of time, and what method or methods did he use? Did he publish the results in a peer reviewed journal, and if so, which one?

Thank you very much for your time.

See how I’m getting more and more thankful for their time? After I sent this, I immediately got an autoresponder that said little more than, “Dream on! Buy my products!”

Thank you for your email to the office of Don Colbert, M.D. and Divine Health Nutritional Products.

Your email is important to us and we will answer it as soon as possible.  We receive thousands of emails each week, and review and answer emails daily — with the exception of weekends and national holidays.

Dr. Colbert is aware of the many physical and spiritual needs around the world.  Currently Dr. Colbert has written over 40 books addressing these needs including the Bible Cure Series of booklets which address many individual illnesses.  Dr. Colbert’s newest book, the New York Times bestseller, The Seven Pillars of Health, will also answer many of your health related questions. In addition to these books, our website, www.drcolbert.com, has many articles addressing health needs which can be found by clicking on the “Medical Articles” tab on the left hand side of the home page.

If you have an order problem please call the office directly so the front desk staff can research and solve the problem.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. We will be responding to your email as soon as possible.

In His Service,

Dr. Don and Mary Colbert

And that’s where we stand right now.  I really don’t expect to ever get an actual reference to a real life journal article, but it’s possible that there will be several more rounds of question skirting.  If anything happens, I will let you know!

Are you ready for it? Oh well!

This comes from a poorly reasoned article [it’s a PDF. See “History’s Greatest Happening” on pg. 15.] in Changing Times, a newspaper I nearly worked for, which is published by the man about whom this song is written.

The article is about the virgin birth of Jesus, and why you should believe that it literally happened. This thing is so crammed with logical fallacies that Golden Grahams is trying to buy them out, but there is one part in particular that just really camps out with its tamp out:

“But you don’t have to understand it to believe it. If you doubt the virgin birth, you really have difficulty with …
- the character of the Word of God - The Word of God plainly teaches that Jesus was born of a virgin.
- the character of Mary — If Jesus were not born of a virgin, Mary was a harlot and conceived out of wedlock.
- the character of Jesus — If Jesus were not born of a virgin, He was a descendant of Adam, and “in Adam, all die” (see 1 Corinthians 15:22).”

Yeah, well, see, uh…the thing is, um…look. Matthew 1 calls Jesus a son of Abraham and provides a genealogy from Abraham to Jesus.  Luke 3 provides a (different) genealogy for Jesus, but goes all the way back to Adam. True, the Luke passage does have a kind of disclaimer: “He was the son, so it was thought, of Joseph…” Even so, Matthew identifies Jesus as a son of Abraham, and Luke identifies Abraham as a son of Adam.  Do you see where this is going?

So that kinda pulls the rug out from underneath the next chunk of stupid:

“You see, if there were no virgin birth, there would be no sinless Christ. No sinless Christ … no atonement. No atonement … no forgiveness. No forgiveness … no hope of heaven. No hope of heaven… we would all die and go to hell.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.  The whole article is  one long Argument from Final Consequences, but here they’ve also thrown in some Unstated Major Premise for good measure.  Why do they assume that people who reject a belief in the virgin birth still accept the existence of the Christian God? Is it because the author is purposefully dishonest, or honestly ignorant? Judging by the way the article is written, and the general theme of Changing Times, I’ve got to give this person the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter.  It’s just ignorance perpetuating ignorance.

A helpful reader sent me this 11 days ago, and I forgot to post it until just now.  I’m so sorry!

Anyways, you may remember Brannon Howse from the time he was such a jerk. You maybe didn’t know that he was running for mayor of a small town in Tennessee.  I know, right!!? Of course he lost, but he did get 25% of the vote.  Wow.

After the election, Howse, who is known for making ridiculous / idiotic accusations, claimed that some mysterious assailants were stealing his and one of his opponent’s campaign signs.  This is an email sent out to his peeps:

Howse and Allen Have Countless Signs Stolen

www.brannonhowse.com

 

 

It is not very often that two men running for the same office are quick to look after each other’s best interest. However, that is exactly what has happen as two of the three mayoral candidates, Brannon Howse and Tom Allen, have had countless campaign signs stolen.

Howse and Allen both have witnesses that have seen individuals pulling up their signs from authorized locations. Howse and Allen have even had their signs stolen right off the private property of front lawns.

 

“Two weeks ago Mr. Howse called me to tell me he had confronted a man that was pulling up my signs and throwing them in the back of his truck while leaving the signs of another candidate in place. Almost on a daily basis I have signs being stolen”, said Allen.

 

Howse, said, “Some of the members of the Collierville Police Association and Collierville Firefighter’s Associate have put out a large number of my yard signs only to have them stolen in less than 24 hours. I was at my son’s football game the other day when a lady approached me and told me she was shocked to see someone pulling up my signs on Poplar Avenue where every candidate has signs. It is really sad that our political opponents can not run a fair and clean race and respect  private property.”

Howse and Allen are asking for citizens to write down the license plate of any one they see pulling signs and then provide that information to the appropriate campaign office.

Well, I guess that’s why he lost.  Not because he’s crazy, dishonest, stupid, uneducated, etc.  But seriously, if you have any of Brannon’s signs, please return them to him.  They’re not even paid for yet!

Thank you, helpful reader.  I’m sorry I waited for so long.

Vimeo has a weekly upload limit, so I will upload the last three songs next week.  So here you go!

The Premise of Dogs:

Three Ninjas - Live @ Studio 7 10/22/08 Part 2 from Jason J Brunet on Vimeo.

Comic Books And Success Are Not Mutually Exclusive:

Three Ninjas - Live @ Studio 7 10/22/08 Part 3 from Jason J Brunet on Vimeo.

The Outside Matches The Inside:

Three Ninjas - Live @ Studio 7 10/22/08 Part 4 from Jason J Brunet on Vimeo.

This is what happens when it’s late at night and I drive by someone who appears to be touching her own breast while waiting for her bus:

Holy cow, I just did a quick video chat with Christopher Grant Harris The Purple Fool, and it is awesome! I have been wanting to do a video chat with someone since April when I first got the Internet, and now it’s easier than ever!  I encourage you to get a Gmail account if you don’t have one, and set up Gmail Video Chat, and hit me up!  My email is jeffthefish@theaforementionedwebsite.com.

Thing is i don’t even need to try , i just get quality ass! Always will , always have!! I look better on a bad day than 99% of all the hate’n douchebag cock fags that write in to this site! All these tards wish they have gotten the tail i have in my life. I could die happy at 30 ….can’t say the same for all you losers. Grow some fk’n nuts and post a real pic of me and my girl on this site(not some bs photoshopped pic**real funny, now people have to send in fake pics =wow!=**). Show all the millions of losers out there what a real couple looks like! All the chubs with one hand on the computer and one on their tiny dicks masurbating to my gf , I salute you! Keep on wishing you had tail like that. ***and by the way i will stick up for fish slap and for socrates, i know both of them, and i will say they also are awesome people who handle their own and can get ass, all you don’t be jealous!***
DD

Read the whole thing!  The comments are amazing!

Something people need to understand is that if you’re writing something on your own face you need to write it backwards, so that people looking at you will see it forwards. If you pay attention, you will find that people give away very tiny and subtle clues like that that tip you off that they might be stupid.  See if you can catch the subtle clues this person gives away:

I just finished a new song called The Ecstasy of Mallard.  Please, would you take a moment to go and listen to it and tell me what you think?

Here is the story behind this song: Yesterday I was telling Kevin, aka Mr. Spider, that at my shows I was plannin to choose an audience member and ask them to suggest a song for me to sample. I would then choose another audience member to suggest a topic I would write about, and for the next show I would have a song written about the topic using samples from the suggested song.

So Kevin challenged me to do a proof of concept.  And this is the result.

Here are the lyrics:

When I think about Bergmann I think about you
cause your polar forms are small and their beaks are small too
A lot of you are gay and if you’re gay I guess it’s true
that your heads are on straight and they’re green and not blue
Your offspring are precoccial and I kinda like that
They can swim and feed themselves and I think that’s pretty phat
What I don’t understand is why you copulate with corpses
I no longer wanna touch you
If I have to I’ll use forceps

Mallard babies
They’ll follow you wherever you go
They’ll follow you if they don’t know you
Mallard babies
They’ll follow you with crackers in your hand
They’ll even try to eat a frog if they can

You’re so recently evolved
that you still hybridize
with ducks from a different genus
If your problems get solved
while I’m still alive
no one will believe us

Mallard babies
They’ll follow you wherever you go
They’ll follow you if they don’t know you
Mallard babies
They’ll follow you with crackers in your hand
They’ll even try to eat a frog if they can

Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park and The Lost World, and probably other books, died yesterday. This man had a big hand in encouraging my love for science, and added a lot of magic and beauty to the lives of many, many people. He was only 66 , but he left a mark on the world that won’t soon fade away.