www.jeffthefish.com

Very recently, Kambrie told me about an odd conversation she overheard on the bus:

[10:22] Kambrie: The REALLY old guy
[10:23] Kambrie: He was headed back to the “old folks home”
[10:23] Kambrie: And he kept asking what time it was
[10:24] Kambrie: One landmark in the conversation was the bum telling the old man, “Dont you be livin’ on no old folks home, all you be doin in there is DYIN or waiting to die.”
[10:24] Kambrie: “Me, I live with a woman!”
[10:24] Kambrie: the old man starts adopting the bum’s way of speaking
[10:24] me: wow!
[10:24] Kambrie: and says “Well, I’d live with a woman, if she hadn’t have up’n died on me! How do you like that, Mister!”
[10:25] Kambrie: Bum ” That alright, papa, you just gotta get yourself a new one. Get yourself a nice new 20 year old woman”
[10:25] Kambrie: hahaha
[10:25] Kambrie: Later on, the old man starts going off on a tangent and complaining about his home
[10:26] Kambrie: “I pay 2500 dollars a month! You know what they spend it on??? Goats!”
[10:26] Kambrie: “They bought two goats!
[10:26] Kambrie: Hahahahahaha
[10:26] me: hahahahahhahah<–
[10:26] me: i don’t think goats cost that much.
[10:26] me: but i could be wrong.
[10:26] Kambrie: hahahaha
[10:26] Kambrie: Bum “You be pettin’ ‘em or shit?”
[10:27] Kambrie: Old man” no no, I don’t be petting them or shit.”
[10:27] Kambrie: “They milk ‘em?”
[10:27] Kambrie: Old man: “No no… WHAT? You can’t milk a goat”
[10:27] me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH<–
[10:27] Kambrie: bum “Dude, yes you can too milk a goat”
[10:27] me: i did a real lol for that one.
[10:28] Kambrie: Bum asks an african dude on the bus “Brotha, tell this old man you can milk a mothafuckin’ goat”
[10:28] Kambrie: the guy says “back in my country, we had goats. we milked them.”
[10:28] me: no
[10:28] me: this did not really happen
[10:29] Kambrie: Old man : “No no, I am twice your age, and I am here to tell you, you can NOT milk a goat”
[10:29] Kambrie: hahahahahahahaha
[10:29] Kambrie: It did so

[13:50] coworker: hey did [Filipino Friend] tell you about our starbucks trip?
[13:50] me: no.
[13:50] me: what happened?
[13:51] coworker: we said “let’s go” and then we went
[13:51] me: oh wow
[13:51] coworker: and neither of us wanted to buy coffee
[13:52] me: she did that to me too!

[10:19] Filipino Friend: and stephen is a f idiot
[10:19] Filipino Friend: i swear to God.
[10:19] me: who?
[10:20] Filipino Friend: that guy
[10:20] Filipino Friend: he’s a f idiot
[10:20] me: who is he?  what did he do?
[10:21] Filipino Friend: that guy
[10:21] Filipino Friend: he’s a f idiot
[10:21] Filipino Friend: ive never been mad like this in a long time
[10:22] me: ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok
[10:22] me: stephen down

Part 2 in an ongoing series of recycled content.

04-27-03
I was Spider-Man and I was fighting the Rhino. For some reason I was afraid of him and I was running away. I ran through a cave, leaving massive barriers of webbing behind me to slow Rhino down. Then the cave opened up into an open space. I blocked the exit with huge boulders of webbing. However, Rhino had a powerful ray that he blasted through the cave to weaken the webbing. Then he came charging through, easily busting through my barriers.

—

09-03-03
A large group of my friends decided to have some kind of crazy car race derby on a circular stretch of elevated interstate. It was INCREDIBLY violent. Cars were crashing into each other, people were getting hurt. I didn’t like the whole idea at all, and neither did Jennifer, so we tried to stay out of the way, off to the side, not moving. But our cars would still get hit as the other cars sped around the track. We even tried hanging on some ropes that were attatched to the outer rim of the track, but that wasn’t very safe either. Eventually, someone died. This intensely angered Skot and Kamal, who decided that the reason the guy died was Lebanese-hating beurocrats. So I went along with them, not knowing where they were going, until they entered someone’s apartment and started assembling a bomb in the person’s closet. Once I realized what they were doing, I panicked and tried to convince them that it was a ridiculous reaction, but they would hear none of it. I told them that they would be killing someone they didn’t even know, and they said he deserved it. So I tried to remove any evidence that I had ever been there, and I left. The next day at high school, I was contemplating telling the police about the bomb, but was wrestling with the fact that I’d be turning in my friends. I was waiting for the bomb to go off inside one of the classrooms where they had planted it, and it finally did. I knew that since I was fifteen-year-old Peter Parker, I should go as Spider-Man to start rescuing people, but for some reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

—

11-05-03
I was Ultimate Spider-Man. There was a guy that just moved into my neighborhood who really didn’t like me because I was spying on him. So one day I was on the Brooklyn Bridge as Spider-Man, and the whole bridge was filled with people. They weren’t in cars, they were just walking around. I was swinging around above them, trying to figure out what was going on. I landed in front of that guy that didn’t like me. Aunt May, Mary Jane, and some other people I knew were standing around the guy. I shot a web from each hand to the ground at my feet, to secure my position, and I said to the guy, “Alright, I’m ready for you. You can’t do anything to me, unless you plan on destroying this whole bridge.” He smiled slyly at me, and the whole bridge disappeared. We were all falling. I shot webs to catch Aunt May, Mary Jane, and the other people I knew. We were somehow falling down next to a tall skyscraper. I shot a web up to the skyscraper to catch us, but I was already holding so many webs that were attatched to the other people, that I had to put this new web in my mouth because my hands were full.

One day I just decided to put my camera in a ziplock bag and go nuts. And nuts I went!

Actually, the video’s boring unless you’re an aquarium nerd. Even then it’s iffy. But it’s still kinda cool, right?

You’re standing
You’re standing pretty
You’re standing pretty close to me and it makes me uncomfortable

I used to catalogue all my dreams and post them on here, but lately my dreams aren’t coherent enough to write down. But they were on the old version of the site anyway, so no one read them anymore.

So in an effort to be green by recycling content, I would like to present to you the first in an ongoing series dreams that involve Spider-Man. I call this segment, Spider-Man Dreams.

—

June 30, 2002
I was Spider-Man, and my enemy was Captain America. He thought I was evil, though I wasn’t. There was one scene outside, on the side of a building. I could see Captain America in the distance blowing something up. Then, the two of us were at a family dinner at my Aunt Pat’s house. We both knew each other’s secret identity. When I needed some salt, instead of asking him to pass it, I was considering slinging a web, just to get on his nerves, but decided against it.

December 6, 2002
An African-American woman came up to me on the street and asked for my opinion on black films this year. I said to her that I hadn’t really watched any of the Friday movies, and I didn’t know of any others. She told me that the other three were satires of Spider-Man.

March 14, 2003
President George W. Bush was scheduled to speak at a gymnasium and I was going to see him. The place was packed but somehow I got a front row seat. When he first walked in there was a big spectacle made for him. He started his speech by saying that since it was the only thing he had to wear, he was going to put on a Spider-Man costume. So he started talking and walking around with his headset microphone and his Spider-Man costume. For some reason I was completely in awe of everything he did. When he walked close to me, he saw how I was staring at him and came over to shake my hand. By the end of his speech he was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans.

One of my favorite things is to make and eat kim chee. There is probably not a more delicious dish on the face of this earth. Since I enjoy it so much, I thought I’d share with you my methods so you can make your own perfect kim chee. This article will provide all the information you need to enjoy this authentic Korean dish!

1. Mix your ingredients.
2. Store the pot in a cool, dry location.
3. Open Microsoft Outlook and go to the Calendar. Right click on an empty spot and choose New Appointment.

   

4. A new appointment window will open up. In the Subject field, type “Check Kim Chee”.

   

5. Next, click the arrow next to the date. It’s very important that you let the kim chee ferment for five days. Since today is January 3rd, I will set my reminder for January 8th.

   

6. Next, choose a time. I know I’ll be home from work by 7pm, so that’s what I chose.

   

7. Next, click the Save and Close button.

   

8. Now, verify that the appointment has been set by clicking on the date in the calender on the left side of the screen.
9. If you followed these instructions precisely, five days from now you will have perfect Kim Chee!

Here’s a quote that infuriates me:

Fish come in a bewildering variety of forms that defy consistent classification. As a result, there are competing classification schemes based on the particular bias of the classifier. (Source)

I’m really sick of this whole “worldview” crap that Creationists are constantly spewing. Yes, people are affected by their biases, but they are not the bottom line in science. This quote makes me picture a guy saying, ” Well, my daddy raised me to believe that Polypterids are Sarcopterygians, so that’s how I classify them.” But wait, there’s evidence that bichirs are more closely related to Actinopterygians than Sarcopterygians. “That’s your opinion. This is just how I was raised.”

Sorry, Ken, science doesn’t work like that. The people at Answers in Genesis either can’t comprehend that, or won’t admit it to themselves because they’ve invested so much of their lives in bolstering a disproven claim that they can’t let go of because it would shatter their faith.

Yeah, I guess there is. But their defense of it doesn’t make sense! “Far more important questions in math would be ‘Why does 2 + 2 = 4′ or ‘Why does it matter?’” WTF? What does that have to with religion? 2 + 2 = 4 because it freaking does! If you take two dollars and put them next to two other dollars, you will have $4! That’s why! And if they’re going after ultimate reality, like “God decided that numbers will operate in this fashion”, then I think you’re outside the realm of mathematics, and certain outside the scope of a math textbook. Son of a bitch that makes me angry!